“The egoic sense of self needs conflict because its sense of a separate identity gets strengthened in fighting against this or that, and in demonstrating that this is “me” and that is not “me”

from Stillnes Speaks by Eckhart Tolle


Lost Again

I'm lost again
Inside of my mind
Lost again
In the darkness of night
I'm lost
again
And the tide won't pull me in
So I just drift and wonder why
These waves don't ever seem to end
...With
        no will to
               Swim

It's so not okay
The way that I'm feeling
It's so not okay
These thoughts that are reeling
I'm so not awake
So let me keep dreaming
Just let me escape
These things that I've seen

I know at times you're afraid
That I'll too quickly go away
But I'm not giving up this fight
What is one more sleepless night?
Even at my darkest, dear
Know I can't stand to cause you tears
Yes, I know how much you care
And I'm not going
Anywhere, I swear...
(But sometimes I just don't want to breathe anymore)

I'm lost again
In the weight of my tears
That have had no
Escape through the years
I'm lost
Again
In the way you've held my hand
The way you've looked into my eyes
The way you may never again...

I know I have been afraid
Of mistakes past and to be made
However many tears I cry
A tears destiny is to dry
But you're in every breath I take
So I try to push you away
When the pain inside of me
Is all I seem to
be able to breathe
So sometimes I just don't want to breathe anymore




Oh you're in every breath I take
So I try to push you away
Though I want so for you to stay
I can't trust you or anything
I cannot trust my deepest thoughts
When in this tempest I am tossed
The waves are crashing all around
I'm revived just to find I've drowned
  And when I've reached my highest high
  I find my fate to be a dive
  Into the familiar unknown
  Which claims itself to be my home
And there I dwell longing for you
For longing seems my only truth
I'll hate you all for loving me!
Why is it you don't let me BE!

And this is all so not okay!
  Set me free!
Cause everything I am
Is everything I need
  
In punishing myself
  For all I lack
I'm throwing to the side
Everything I have
     
And it's so not okay
It's so not okay
It's so not okay
To push myself away

And give my body to this pain *


i know at times you're afraid...
that i'll too quickly go away
but i'm not giving up this fight
for i alone can make this right
i know i have tried to leave
thinking you will only leave me
but here you've been right by my side
drying all these tears i've cried

but sometimes i just...

sometimes i just....




Breathe.









Ariane Powell
Winter '08
 

*(note to author: same as "the way you never will again")

i'm not sure i can write poetry anymore for a while.
it's stopped being something i need to get out of me.
maybe i'll start just writing blogs.
i don't know.
i'll be reading though.